Hairis Pointy
by Kesiah
Summary: A parody of the Harry Potter novels, starring the cast of Yugioh! Humor and weirdness ensue, as well as a touch of yaoi, just for fun. revamped to be acceptable to ff.net
1. Chapter One

Fanfiction . net took this down, I presume dueto the script-like parts, so having re-edited to remove them, we shall be posting it again! -waves flag- Hope this brings a smile to your face! 

DISCLAIMER: Obviously I own both Harry Potter and Yugioh, because I am so very cool.

There WAS a chapter with the cast list, but due to rules, it's not here any more. If you would like to know who plays who ahead of when they show up, email me or reply with your email address, and I'll send you the list, 'kay?

* * *

**Chapter 1: The boy who is REALLY hard to kill.**

Once apon a time, there was a family of supposedly normal people, the Doobies.

(Kaiba Snr. enters, wearing his business suit, followed by Pegasus, in a nice floral-print dress)

Mr. Doobie was the director of a very well know military company, making and shipping weapons so the Americans could blow people up. Mrs. Doobie was a strange... human... with a fixation for cartoons involving demented rabbits, and was rather partial to wine, mainly used to make the cartoons more interesting. The Doobies also had a small son, by the name of Dumpy.

(Enter Bandit Keith, dressed in an inflatable sumo wrestler suit, with clothes pulled over the top)

The Doobies had pretty much everything they wanted, except out of this parody. They also had one thing they were very afraid of.

And that was that someone would find out about the Pointys. Silly Pointy was Mrs. Doobie's sister. Though Mrs. Doobie was often too drunk to remember it... The reason the Doobies didn't like the Pointys, was because the Pointys were about as un-Doobieish as you could be. (i.e. Sober, normal looking, lacking in obsessions of cartoons involving rabbits...)

Now, on the morning that this story actually gets started on, Mr. Doobie woke up as he normally did. Opening his eyes, he rolled over to find himself face to face with Pegasus, screamed, rocketed out of bed and smacked into the wall. Now fully away, he went to get ready for work, as he had an important deal to clinch about selling the Americans weapons to nuke something called a Taliban. Mrs. Doobie also awoke as normal, opening his... HER eyes (well, eye) to discover he... uhh, she had sobered up during the night. Three bottles of wine and six re-runs of cartoons later, Mrs. Doobie had returned to her normal (we think) state.

After eating, shaving, yelling at Dumpy to out that cigarette out...

...Mr. Doobie set off for work. It was a completely uneventful day, during which he saw a tens of thousands of drunk, partying weirdos, aliens landing in the car park and huge fireworks that spelled out "Die, Maddydaft, Die". All in all it was a very normal day. The only strange occurrence was when a small girl ran up to him, sung "Ding dong the witch is dead" while kicking him on the ankle, then told him to sod off. The bit that confused him was when she called him a Muddle.

Feeling slightly overwhelmed by the vivid pinkness of her dress, Mr. Doobie decided to leave early, and headed home. Once back home, Mr. Doobie was able to forget the horror of the pink dress, by drowning it in the horror of remembering who he was married to in this thing...

* * *

It was night time outside the Doobie house. The street lights illuminated the slight form of a black and white cat sitting outside the house, muttering to itself. If the ear was strained, just a little, phrases about 'Damned authors' and 'muse abuse' could be heard. All the while, the black and white cat glared pointedly at a spot on the pavement.

Sometime after midnight the piece of pavement moved, disgorging a short, fat, old man onto the roadside. Sugoroku Motou looked down at the long purple robe that hung around him and trailed a good distance behind him, and a set of pointed shoes, the points curling back on themselves.

The strange man was Albut Mumbledork. Mumbledork reached into his pocket and drew out something that looked like a silver cigarette lighter. In fact it WAS a silver cigarette lighter, borrowed from some guy on the street, budgets and all... Anyway, Albut lifted the cigarette lighter above his head and flicked it.

Nothing happened.

Slightly impatiently, he flicked it a few more times, then shook it for good measure.

Nothing happened in great quantities.

Unfortunatly, it is difficult to loose the lights without making it impossible for the cameramen to see what is happening. We shall have to improvise.

Albut took out the cigarette lighter and flicked it a few times, and the writer asks the reader to please imagine the lights going out, one by one, zipping along and being sucked into the cigarette lighter. Your special effects are probably better then ours anyway.

Having done that, Mumbledork walked towards the annoyed looking cat sitting nearby.

"Fancy meeting you here, Professor McGonnafall," he leered.

The cat was supposed to turn into said Professor, but seeing as Mistoffelees is a MALE cat... Well, he just kinda wandered off, and Isis Ishtah came in. As soon as one sees Prof. McGonnafall, it becomes apparent where she gets her name from, the click, click of her foot-high stiletto heels echoing around the street.

Albut leered up at McGonnafall - well, he's short, she's on high heels, lets say his eyes never made it to her face.

"Nice to see them again, love," Mumbledork said. "But lets cut through the pointless gabble in this script. The Pointys are dead. Maddydaft got to them. It was horrible, only little Hairis survived, took out Maddy though, so it's actually a pretty good deal!"

"Where is Hairis?" McGonnafall asked, teetering precariously.

"I had Hardrid bring him, ahh here he is now. Thank god."

A huge Harley-Davison roared into view, screamed past the pair on one wheel, brodies a doughnut at the intersection, then roars back, almost hitting the pair. Rishid pulls off his helmet and revs the engine for a while, drowning out all conversation and waking half the neighborhood.

"Hardrid! Where did you get that motorbike?" McGonnafall asked, not really wanting to know.

"Ahhh... Borrowed it. Some guy on the street suddenly decided he didn't want it anymore..." Hardrid said, looking slightly shifty.

"Forget I asked. Do you have Hairis?"

"He's right here, safe and sound. Looks a bit worse for the ride though," Hardrid said, and produced Yugi Motou, slightly green in the face, wrapped tightly in a blanket to prevent him from escaping and wearing a cute baby bonnet, and a tattoo of a pair of scissors on his forehead.

Albut looked vaguely relieved. "Right, ditch him at this house and we'll be off then."

"You can't be serious!" McGonnafall cried. "Pegasus is in there!"

Yugi's eyes widened and Sugoroku looked doubtful for a moment. "It's in the script... I guess Yami can protect him if anyone tries anything outside of the script," he said eventually.

Rishid took a deep breath, "There is absolutely no way I am going to kiss Hairis goodbye."

Albut shrugged and dropped Yugi and the blanket on the doorstep. "Nevermind that, lets get back for the party!" he yelled, grabbed McGonnafall and leaped onto the back of Rishid's bike, which took off.

A cardboard cut-out sun was raised above the roof of the Doobie house, and Pegasus staggered out the door, tripped over Yugi and fell flat on his face.

"Yugi-boy? Welcome to your new home!"

And Yugi screamed...

* * *

There we go! Soon to have the rest up too, once I'm done editing it. Hopefully everyone how remembers this, and everyone who is reading it for the first time, will like to follow it again, though I can't promise fast updates, as I am also working on my own novel at the moment, I do promise to finish this. -hugs everyone- 


	2. Chapter Two

Back again, with part the second! Hope you like it. 

DISCLAIMER: Last I checked, I still didn't own either of them. 

**Chapter 2: The Disappearing Plot...**

10 years later...

Well... not really, actually not that long since the last chapter, but ten years is supposed to have passed, even if it hasn't. I mean, we could show a clock going really fast, or calendar pages being torn off, but we just figured to put a subtitle up. Even if it's wrong... 

...I mean, a better subtitle would be: 

Not really 10 years later, but 10 years later.

Camera pans across a lot of photos of Bandit Keith, in his sumo wrestler outfit, doing various children's activities. The first time he beat the stuffing out of a five year old, the first time he stole money from a shop. Photographs of a drunken Pegasus at Dumpy's birthday party, and of a homicidal Mr. Doobie. There were also copies of his school grades, ranging from his highest, 'F', to his lowest, 'If I see this child again, I will throw him out of the school'. There was nothing to indicate that Hairis had not been strangled the moment he was found. 

But Hairis was still alive.

Mrs. Doobie staggered his/her way to a cupboard underneath the stairs, and breathed alcohol down through the vent and onto Hairis. 

"Time to get up, Yugi-boy." 

Inside the cupboard, Yugi and Yami were... 

Doing something they shouldn't be, best not think on it too much. We'll just wait until they're done, shall we? 

Hairis woke up and fumbled around cutely for his glasses, while rubbing sleep out of his eyes. He'd been having that nightmare again, about a huge man with a tattooed face and a suicidal motorbike ride... He'd needed Yami to help drive the bad memories away. 

Pegasus came back to tell him in a slurred way about not burning the bacon, while he went to watch the deranged rabbit. 

"Kuso..." Yugi muttered after his aunt, and went out to attend to breakfast. 

The kitchen contained enough presents to sink the Titanic. Well, probably not that much, but at least enough to cause a small child to pass out before opening half. Most of it just appeared to be random junk, wrapped haphazardly in anything the wrapper could get their hands on. Boxes of cat food, an old bike tyre, a few pieces of a computer... Props must have had to raid the tip to get this much stuff. 

Now that Hairis was out of the dark cupboard it was more obvious how short he was. He could be considered petite, mostly by his Yami, and had the exact same appearance as he did 10 years/one chapter ago. 

At that time, Dumpy came into the kitchen, and Hairis took perverse pleasure in watching him try to get his bulk through the doorway, eventually managing it with a resounding 'POP'. Yugi sniggered at Bandit Keith, now wedged between the refrigerator and the oven, and took the breakfast of re-heated Bacon and Egg McMuffins to the table.

I don't own McDonalds either. And I don't like Bacon and Egg McMuffin's anyway, so :p

Dumpy counted his presents. Now this took some time, as Dumpy (and Bandit Keith) weren't too bright. Eventually Dumpy gave up, and just complained about their not being enough presents on principle. 

Pegasus blinked at Dumpy through a drunken stupor. "We'll get you some more presents, won't we Keithy-boy. Some nice episodes of Funny Bunny..." 

Yugi rolled his eyes. "Isn't this the part when you realize I have to come with you to the Zoo?" 

Mr. Doobie glared. "I'm all in favor of just going to the zoo now, and stuff all the ! that comes before it." 

Yugi looked relieved. "All right, lets get this over with." 

After the Doobies piled into the family car, and had crammed Hairis in the boot. Yugi didn't mind too much. The boot was more spacious than you might think, and Yami was waiting there... 

Finally the Doobies reached the zoo. They piled out again, went to get tickets, came back, yanked Hairis out of the boot, and went back to get another ticket. 

It was a bright and sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families, which meant it was "All the children you can eat that fall in the exhibit" day for some of the animals... 

The Doobies wandered around the exhibits looking at all the animals, while Bandit Keith tried to feed Yugi to the odd creature. 

They ate lunch in the Zoo cafe, where Pegasus was depressed to discover that alcohol was not allowed, which meant he might sober up before they got home. 

Finally, after much prompting from the writer and cast, no one wanted to stick around longer than necessary, the Doobies made their way to the Reptile house. 

Hairis stared at the snake. 

The snake stared back. 

Dumpy and his parents had moved over to another part of the Reptile house, though Bandit Keith was keeping track of what Yugi was doing, so he didn't miss his cue. 

The snake raised it's head and looked at Hairis. 

It winked. 

Hairis stared. "Snaked don't have eyelids." He said at last. A brief argument and consoltation of the script proved that this was supposed to happen, and things got underway again. 

Yugi sighed, and started to talk animatedly to the snake, as the script said he should. The Doobies stared at him, as did the rest of the people in the Reptile house, wondering what kind of hallucinations the boy must be having. 

Eventually Bandit Keith came over and tried to push Yugi into the tank the snake was in. Fortunately Yami sprung up and he and Yugi were able to beat Keith into submission with the puzzle, and lever him into the exhibit. 

Unfortunately, Mr. Doobie had seen this, and after rushing them all back home, commenced screaming at Hairis. 

"How about you lock me in my cupboard for the rest of the day?" Yugi suggested, after Mr. Doobie had paused to breathe. 

"You bet that's what I'll do! No meals for you! You can just sit in there and rot for all I care!" Mr. Doobie screamed. Then he grabbed Hairis and hurled him into the cupboard, locking the door after him. 

"I need something to drink..." Mr. Doobie muttered, wandering off to raid his 'wife's' wine store. 

Yugi grinned, he didn't mind being locked away, after all, Yami was in here too...


End file.
